Football & Pubs

(Soccer & Bars) Balls in the boozer

Our national football team don't always win, but they're often competent enough to come second

- Lorna Baxter

"After every Rangers and Celtic match, fans gather to exchange old footballing stories"

James II passed a law of Parliament forbidding football in 1457 as he considered the game a complete waste of time. What did he know?

Scottish sport and the public house are inseparable. Although my interviewees did not specifically make this connection, the number of people referring to "football" was the same number who suggested "pubs".

Scotland is one of the co-founders of football both north and south of the border. It was a Scot, William McGregor, who set up the English league, while Queens Park (the oldest amateur club in Scotland) pioneered the English Football Association Cup. 'Fitba' was at the heart of many communities in the past. However in recent years dwindling

Did You Know? The highest British attendance was in 1937 at a match between Scotland and England at Hampden Park, Glasgow. The crowd numbered 149 547.

attendances due to an abundance of other leisure pursuits, coupled with armchair viewing must call into question the validity of football being our national sport. It's certainly a national joke.

Only the big clubs like Glasgow Rangers, Glasgow Celtic or East Fife (Scottish cup winners in 1938) command large crowds at every fixture. Considering the amount of media attention football receives, the number of punters attending actual matches is woeful. Some of the lower division sides only attract a few hundred supporters.

"Scottish Cup Final 1972"

Changed days since 1939 when 118 567 people watched Rangers and Celtic play at Ibrox park, Glasgow. This remains the highest attendance at a league match in Britain. Celtic were the first British club to win the European Cup and Rangers have the distinction of having the first player - Willie Woodburn - banned for life. This infamous honour was attained in 1954 when the aforementioned footballer punched Alec Paterson of Stirling Albion in the face. He didn't appeal against the Scottish Football Association's ruling, believing the ban would be lifted after a few months. Unfortunately his restriction remained in place for nearly three years, by which time Willie Woodburn was ready to hang up his boots.

Supporters are attracted to football matches by the lure of high class catering facilities available at every ground. The Saturday afternoon delicacies fulfil all of a Scotsman's dietary requirements. The nourishing menu includes mince pies (re-heated savoury mince meat encapsulated in soggy pastry), a plastic cup of Bovril (potent yeast extract mixed with boiling water) and wheel-shaped chocolate coated biscuits (filled with a gooey substance resembling marsh mallow and jam).

"Afternoon training session"

The canny Scots are good football managers. The famous Bill Shankly once said, "Football isn't a matter of life and death. It's more important than that."

At international level, we have the 'Tartan Army'. This loyal band of kilted, tartan clad supporters follow Scotland around the world acting as unofficial Scottish tourism chiefs. This colourful battalion of 'football fan' foot soldiers march to far-flung lands consuming en route copious quantities of foreign beer. They have two secret weapons - humour and song. The Tartan Army's exuberant yet self-policing approach has won plaudits from footballing bodies all over the globe.

During my extensive research for this book a visitor (clearly turning the tables on me) asked the following question:

"If you had to create a Scottish theme bar, what would be in it?" My answer: The building would be decked out with sticky linoleum floor coverings (never washed), garish tartan wallpaper and sprigs of plastic heather (made in China). An imitation stag's head draped in the Lion Rampant would glare down from above the bar. The jukebox would play Flower of Scotland the twelve-inch disco mix. The pub would have beer-stained unsteady tables complete with overflowing ashtrays. A miserable looking kilted local would be employed to sit at the bar. His accent would be so thick, no-one would have any idea what he was saying. 'Happy Hour' would be called 'Frugal Hour'. The barman wouldn't give customers change. The contraception machine in the toilets would sell Irn Bru flavoured condoms (porridge ribbed). Locals would be obliged to provide a stunned silence when tourists walk in. Staff would talk to friends while ignoring customers. An empty wall would be dedicated to great Scottish sporting achievements.

Did You Know? The world's first international football match took place in 1872. Scotland and England played out a 0-0 draw in Glasgow.

There are many exotic nationalities living in Scotland. What's remarkable is the low profile of these foreign nationals until England are playing at football. Suddenly the Scottish pubs are full of supporters, cheering on England's opponents. This is of course just light-hearted neighbourly rivalry . . . (aye right).